CHANGE

I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.

I guess I'm doing this post because I've realised that I've changed a lot in the past two years . I wanted to change my lifestyle, but I ended up changing who I was as a person . I was scared of this but then in time I realised that it's not so bad, and for anyone out there who wanted a sign that changing isn't a bad thing, I hope this post will be it .

A scene from the move The Little Prince that really got to me .

If you're unhappy, expect change .

It was weird . I wasn't depressed but with the lifestyle I was living I was...bored . I was bored and I felt empty . It's odd that when I wanted to change I didn't think that changing who I am-fundamentally as a person-would be one of those things that would come with it . Like looking at it objectively, it really doesn't make sense . Because back then, I lived to make other people happy when I wanted to make myself happy . I'm not saying that you can't do both, but I earnestly wanted to focus on my hobbies . And what did I do instead ? I studied my ass off and worked on the other days . When I did neither I went out . As much as I love food, it's not exactly my hobby . And even then I wouldn't have the time to say, even make a review of the food or anything like that . I lived for my future and for others, but I didn't live for who I was as a person at that time .

So when I decided to live a happier life, I decided to make sure I was first and foremost . That I was happy too . I realised that my habits changed and it made me feel uncomfortable because I thought to myself "oh my gosh, who even am I ?!" . I started sleeping earlier to have more time in the day to do stuff, I started eating healthier because I didn't want to get hungry quickly at work, I started spending more time watching things to do with beauty because I realised people respond to me better, I stopped going to parties if I literally felt like it didn't benefit me for my future goals, I didn't put up with anymore passive aggressiveness in friendships . 

And suddenly I felt like I wasn't me anymore .

Thought extremely discomforting, I looked at the above and realised something . These changes were for the better, an improvement of my lifestyle . When my family called me and saw the changes they didn't call being like:

"Oh, what happened to you ?!"

"Who are you ?"

No . Instead, it was;

"We miss you, but we see that you're happy now and we can't ask for anything else ."

And they said that, every time they called and discussed how I've been in Japan . And guess what ? I was happy too . I literally felt like another person, but, I didn't mind because the person I am now is a happier version of who I used to be . 

Even if I became another person, at the end of the day, I realised that I was more happier .

Selfish vs. A mask .

I lived a really social life, and pretty much went out at least once a week . I know to some people that would be something that you'd yearn for, and back then I thought that I yearned for that too . If anything I just wanted acceptance and to continue the thoughts that everyone had of me . That I was a good, genial person . And as much as I am that (and I still think I am), I also want more out of life . I can't help it . I wanted to be well known for talent not for existing, as weird as that sounds . I like discovery, I like learning, and I think most importantly I like having control of my life .

But I wasn't controlling it .

To be honest I don't know whether wanting to be alone is fundamentally some sort of mental illness or not lol . We're told by society over and over that being with people is what makes us feel good and is a part of our human nature . But I...enjoy being alone ? Or rather, I'd rather be alone than in company that I wasn't learning anything from, or having good conversation with . And I think it's in my nature to enjoy having a good time; but one day I stood in a room full of people with people willing to talk and stay with me...but I wanted to be somewhere else . I started going to social events out of obligation, I made a group of friends that had good personalities but I had shared nothing in common with .

And as fun as that was, that can only take you so far in terms of life and life fulfilment itself .

Also it's difficult . Because the people that DID like what I liked whom I knew in real life, simply put, didn't have a personality I was alright with . Or even if our personalities did suit, prior social circles of course had to take priority to new company . I was part of a social group but things that I was into were either non-existent or were part of a group that simply wasn't social . At that point I already knew a lot of people and I didn't want to let down my image .

And at that point I didn't care about letting down myself, but my image .

It's important that there's a difference between being selfish and being who you are . In fact I feel as though I only did what I did because I was selfish, in wanting people to love me . When I decided to change, it was then that I felt like I was giving people the attention they deserved . Instead of giving half baked advice to someone that didn't listen, I taught to people that wanted to learn . And even if people didn't want to learn, I'm not the one wasting my money on it LOL . I used to help to the point that it would affect me negatively . Why do I know all these peoples secrets ? I knew things about people that I really shouldn't of known . Probably to the point that if I said it out loud it would destroy their reputation . 

But that's not what I wanted to do . That's not what I wanted to know . I didn't want to know knowledge that would have me create a mask . I wanted to genuinely help those who actually needed it . And in living a bit more for myself, I am now able to do that .

Changed but you don't feel it ? Look it !

So after I decided to be honest with myself and decided this 360 turn in lifestyle, it kind of felt unfulfilling to look at me in the mirror . I changed my life so much, but I still looked the same . It feels kind of weird you know ? Like a shell, or something that looks a little outdated . I wondered why people suddenly look different one day and I guess this is the reason why; they want physical evidence of their change .

So what did I do ? I cut my hair, Mulan style LMAO .

To be honest I cut my own hair when it was still long because it was layered, and it was cheaper you know ? I didn't have to go to the hairstylist . Plus it wasn't such as hassle and I was a super low maintenance person back then . But one day I decided to have short hair after seeing that Kiko Mizuhara didn't look so bad with it . Once I cut my own hair and realised that not having layered hair was a different story, in humiliation I went to the hairdresser and had to explain it to him thereafter . XD" Initial embarrassment aside though, seeing my short hair still to this day is satisfying because it really does feel as though it serves to the new person I am, not who I used to be . 

It can't be helped, humans are visual creatures after all .

This comes with its own challenges though . When I cut my hair it came with a completely different style, so literally two-thirds of my closet was rendered absolutely useless at that point . But funnily enough I was able to involuntarily choose clothes that I enjoyed more . The classic-almost to the point of androgynous- look; as opposed to the hipster and girly flower dresses . I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss wearing those floral skirts from time to time, but my current look allowed something that I always wanted to do with my previous look, but couldn't because the end result would just look weird . I was able to explore fashion and beauty more thoroughly, and explore different types of looks . 

And if it wasn't for that then I wouldn't have come up with this blog . ^^

Change, embrace it .

I guess I'm writing this ultimately as a sort of comfort to the person I used to be one year ago . You just finished uni right ? Already struggling with close friendships you have due to the tensions of what is suburbia and the feelings of romance . That only gets worse when you change you know, because ultimately guys only think with one thing (and God forbid that's their heart) . It doesn't matter how different you looked and acted when you guys were laughing at some dumb old meme, suddenly they'll want more with the success of change and looking different physically .

Many people you thought you could trust with your life will leave you, unfortunately .

But with that being said, not everyone left, luckily for you . For some magical but good reason family will mean much more than it ever did growing up . And this is especially useful knowing that romantic tensions would never be a problem with your cousins . Your aunties share the pain of you learning to live by yourself, and surprisingly, you connect more deeply to the ones that count to you the most . A quiet, but fulfilling life .

You wanted to be a comic artist but realised that being tied behind the desk at the bidding of another person, as awe-striking as it may be, isn't the best lifestyle for you . After all you like travel and youtube all too much . Then you start to realise that you really do like youtube a little too much . You start to see that it's a highly creative craft, and learn things about it you once upon a time didn't know . To add on to that you've travelled lots but have too many regrets of not being able to relive those amazing moments of life . You find it sad that other people don't get to experience the beauty that is the world as well . You start a youtube channel to preserve these moments .

As well as this you want to help people out with Korean skin care, something that has completely changed your life in terms of taking care of your skin . You want to chronicle the things you've learnt and genuinely give reviews you wish you could see from other people . Japan has opened your horizons to fashion, and you start taking more of an interest into it to try and find that style that suits you . Since a lot of people ask you about where you get clothes in real life anyway you decide that you should make clothes that you enjoy more accessible somehow, someway . You still like to dress conservatively, so you want to give a good influence on women that you don't have to wear barely anything in order to look good (but hey if that's the way you like it I ain't mad lol, whatever makes you feel comfortable !) . You work out and not only can you feel yourself being healthier, but you literally have more brain power . It's easier for you to learn Japanese after a long day at work .

But your journey isn't over yet, in fact it's just begun . You used to do this on and off but now you don't have the excuse of "being too busy" with all the poison out of your system and the bridges you've burned . You now know what you want to know, and have everything that you need...apart from time . So let time come and do it's thing, I'll be just excited as you are for it, But at the same time you need persistence and hard work . 

Yes, you've changed . a lot . From lifestyle to relationships . But you know what's changed the most ? You're happy now .

And you couldn't ask for more .

Signing out,

-THE TEACOAST .

by j 9:44:00 PM 0 comments